Am I Just Fat or Do I Have Body Dysmorphia?
Is it just insecurity about my body — or something deeper? That question haunted me for years, even after being diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder. Here's my personal story of navigating the messy intersection of fatness and mental health.
This article was originally published on October 3, 2019, and was last updated on April 1, 2025.
Examines the internal conflict between self-image and body dysmorphia
Emphasizes the complexity of fatness and self-perception.
Written from the perspective of someone diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder
What It Feels Like to Question Your Body Reality
A Body Dysmorphia Diagnosis Didn’t Stop the Self-Doubt
Even after being diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder, I kept asking myself: 'do I have body dysmorphia or am I just fat?'
When I look in the mirror, I see… A shape. I can’t clearly define this shape for you because it is always shifting, sometimes by the day, and sometimes by the hour. The only consistent detail is that I am always repulsed by it.
I see shoulders blades large enough to land planes on. I see a back that is wider than the Sargasso Sea. I see myself standing before the image you find in a funhouse mirror; except this time, the mirror is not built that way. I am built that way.
The first time I noticed the size of my body I was 9 years old. I was at the very beginning of a competitive swimming career that would bring me as much joy as it brought me pain. I stood on the poolside amongst the other swimmers and realized that their stomachs did not have the same bulge as mine. They did not have tree trunks in place of thighs, and their arms were not more meat than bone.
I took a deep breath and sucked in my stomach as much as physically possible. I have continued to suck in my stomach around others every time I have worn a swimming costume or fitted clothing ever since. That is 13 years of sucking in. 13 years I have been ashamed of the body I inhabit.
The Moment I Realized My Body Image Might Be Distorted
I was not diagnosed with Body Dysmorphia until the end of my teenage years. One day, amid an uncomfortable conversation about my insecurities, my therapist asked me what description the Police would share if I were to go missing. “5’4, white, obese, with no distinguishing marks.”
She paused for a moment and asked, “And you really think you would match that description?” I nodded my head without missing a beat because I was not blind to the fact that others could see how much space I occupied. She proceeded to tell me a version of what many friends, family members, boyfriends, and girlfriends have said to me over the years: “I do not see what you see.” “You are not fat, Jodie.”
“I do not see what you see.” “You are not fat, Jodie.”
What If Everyone’s Just Lying to Me About My Body?
I swept the comment to the side as I have so many others. Of course, your loved ones will not tell you that you are fat in a world where fat equals bad. And as for my therapist, she knew more intimately than anyone else what self-destruction I was capable of when I felt ashamed or insulted. Why would she take the risk and tell me the truth? I was, and still, am, fat.
I am hesitant to admit that I have body dysmorphia. I can’t fathom how anyone could see anything other than what I see. I am almost certain that the Doctors that diagnosed me did so in a plan to humiliate me by attempting to make me believe I’m not fat so that they and everyone else can laugh in secret about me being delusional and stupid.
I’m aware that this belief is also delusional and irrational, but that doesn’t make it disappear. Every time I try to pull back the veil that traps my thoughts about my body, I hear an echo of the boys in my Year 10 PE class who named me ‘The Beast.’ And I was much skinnier when that label came into being.
Living with Body Dysmorphia and Still Not Believing It’s Real
I have spent many hours thinking about taking a pair of scissors to my stomach and cutting out the flesh I don’t want. I have declined many invitations to see loved ones because I have not been able to leave the house and bare the shame I feel when others look at me. I have angered and bored partners with the excessive force of my self-hatred.
I have spent years in the throes of disordered eating and bulimia, years I won’t ever get back. The most insane part is that even now, 4 years after diagnosis and subsequent treatment, I still can’t tell if the Doctors just assigned me Body Dysmorphia Disorder to make me feel better about being fat. Do I have body dysmorphia or am I just fat? I am very, very fat, aren’t I?
"Do I have body dysmorphia or am I just fat?"
Body Dysmorphia Isn’t Logical — and That’s the Struggle
I know that ‘obese’ is a word doctors use to demonize fat people and that the thoughts that I have surrounding my body reek of internalized fatphobia. I know that these thoughts do not reflect my belief that every human has the right to exist in the body of their choosing.
I understand that this comes from being put on a no-carb diet at the age of 14 because my swim coach believed I carried more weight than I should.
I know that it also comes from being weighed by this coach every Friday evening and being reprimanded when the number increased.
I have spent a lot of time in therapy trying to unlearn these prejudices, trying to remember that I do not perceive fat as a negative in other bodies and I need to award myself that same respect.
I know logically that I am very privileged to exist in this body, despite what I think about it. I know logically that I have not faced the same discrimination and accessibility issues as others.
But body dysmorphia doesn’t obey logic.
Further Reading: Understanding Body Dysmorphia from a Medical Perspective
1. Body Dysmorphic Disorder – Nature Reviews Disease Primers (2024)
This recent article explains Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) in clear and simple language, backed by the latest medical research. It covers what BDD feels like, how common it is, and why it affects people differently based on culture and gender. The article also breaks down treatment options, including therapy and medications, making it a great resource if you're looking for reliable medical insight beyond personal stories.
2. Understanding and Treating Body Dysmorphic Disorder – PubMed Central
This article gives a helpful overview of how doctors understand and treat BDD. It explains the signs of BDD, why people might develop it, and how it can affect daily life. It also explores treatment options like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and antidepressants. This source is perfect if you want to learn how mental health professionals diagnose BDD and support recovery.
Jodie Hare
Jodie Hare, the author of "Am I Just Fat or Do I Have Body Dysmorphia?," was diagnosed with autism at twenty-three years old. She has an MA in Modern Languages, Literature, and Culture from King’s College, London. She has written for publications such as Novara Media, Refinery29, and the Huffington Post. She works as a copywriter.
You can find Jodie online at: X @jodslouise Linkedin, and https://www.jodiehare.co.uk
Jodie's first book, Autism Is Not A Disease: The Politics of Neurodiversity (Paperback), was published by Verso in September 2024
