Invisible Disability and Social Anxiety: A Day I’ll Never Forget

I had a comically bad day recently. It wasn’t funny at the time and I’m still a little raw about it, but for anyone who saw me, I’m sure it was hilarious.

It started at work. It was just one of those days where everything went wrong. Technology wasn’t working, people were extra difficult, my tasks were piling up and I was too busy putting out fires to do them. On top of that, I got disappointing news about something I was really looking forward to. I have borderline personality disorder, and find it hard to regulate my emotions, but I was trying to use radical acceptance with everything that was going wrong. I was doing alright with it, until I dumped an entire bottle of water on a toaster, and I just couldn’t cope or deal anymore.

I texted my best friend that I wasn’t going to choir with her that evening. I truly meant to explain that I was having a very bad day and couldn’t handle seeing people at the social before choir, so I was going to sit that out, but then join her for the actual choir practice. However, I was completely in an emotional mind, and couldn’t express myself in words anymore, so all I said was “I’m not going to choir.”

I work with my best friend, and I proceeded to not message her for a couple of hours after that. My workday ends before hers does, so on Tuesdays I usually sit at my desk and read until she’s off, and then we eat dinner together before we go to choir. Once I was off, I tried to lose myself in a book to feel better, but my friend came upstairs to my desk to ask what was going on. I couldn’t say anything. I ended up just snapping at her that I was going home, and she left.

I knew I couldn’t leave right away. I was a sobbing mess and did not want to take transit like that. I also wasn’t sure where to go. I couldn’t go home, as my wife had piano lessons, and was taking advantage of me not being at home and building furniture. I texted my friend and told her I was staying until I calmed down and asked if she’d have dinner with me. 

We had dinner and everything was completely normal. I told her a little bit about why I was having a bad day (mainly the things that had gone wrong at work) and we chatted about fun stuff. I almost forgot how miserable I was until she looked at the time and saw how late it was and got up because we had to leave. I got sad and withdrawn again.

We got into the elevator, and she clicked on the parking garage, and I clicked the main floor. “You’re not coming?” she asked, and I started crying and shook my head. The door opened for the main floor, and I couldn’t get out. I decided to let her drive me to the area and I would go from there. When we got to the church, we have choir at, she got out and started walking towards the church. I couldn’t follow. I started crying harder and told her I wasn’t going. She didn’t even look back, she just agreed and walked into the building. 

Now here’s where it gets funny. Not at the time, of course, but looking back at it, the whole thing is hilarious. What had I done? I pushed my best friend away and refused to go to choir. I hadn’t explained anything to her, and she didn’t understand that I so desperately wanted her to convince me to go to choir or come after me and stay with me. That’s not her fault. She isn’t a mind reader. I should have been upfront and told her what I wanted, but I just couldn’t put anything into words.

So, these were my choices: go to a coffee shop and get a warm drink and wait for choir to end and get my friend to drive me home after, go home and either explain to my wife or offer to go to the coffee shop by my house while she plays piano, or go to choir.

I did none of those.

I mean, I kind of did. I walked to Breka, but it was full, and I couldn’t really afford anything from there anyways. So, what did I do? I stood on the sidewalk just down the street from the church and cried.

I’m disabled and sometimes my legs just give out, and this was one of those times. I was so upset and they just stopped working and I landed on my ass on the sidewalk. It’s a residential area, and a woman was walking in my direction until I fell. She gave me a look as I sat on the sidewalk, sobbing, and crossed to the other side of the street. 

Part of me is outraged that she didn’t offer to help me up or ask if I was okay, but the other part of me realized how comical it was. Here was this seemingly able-bodied girl who just collapsed on the sidewalk, sobbing. She probably thought I was drunk. I sat there for too long, just questioning all my life choices. And then I got up.

It was just about 8, so the social was over and choir was about to begin. I picked myself up, dried my face, and walked into the church. I was hoping I could sneak in without anyone really noticing me, but of course that didn’t happen. A few people looked but didn’t pay much attention. However, when I got to the soprano section where I sit, a few people commented saying they didn’t think I was coming because I’m sick.

Apparently, my friend just told them that I wasn’t feeling well, and since it’s cold and flu season and mental health is overlooked, everyone just assumed I had a cold. So now I felt extra anxious because people were going to think I came to choir sick. I reached into my pocket to grab my mask, because maybe that would make me look better, but naturally it seemed to have fallen out. I just decided to try to ignore my anxiety and focus on choir. After all, I knew I wasn’t sick.

The fact that I couldn’t stop crying so my nose was running did not help my case. I was bundled up in my jacket because I get insanely cold when I’m upset, and my eyes were slightly red, and my nose was dripping. One woman mentioned, “oh you really do have a cold.” Great.

I also couldn’t really stand to sing, due to the whole “legs no work” thing. So, I definitely got some looks, and I wobbled and struggled. I probably should just tell my choir I’m disabled, but there are so many older people in it, that I don’t want them to not take me seriously because of my age.