How to Start Living for Yourself: 7 Powerful Steps to Take Back Your Life

I’m going to be straight with you: deciding to start living for yourself is one of the biggest acts of courage you can take. It means choosing to prioritize your needs, desires, and well-being—even when that feels uncomfortable, self-indulgent, or downright terrifying.

But guess what? You’re allowed to want more out of life than just pleasing everyone around you. I’ve coached thousands of people who spent years chasing gold stars, nods of approval, or acceptance from family, friends, and bosses. They didn’t realize that ignoring their own dreams would leave them feeling empty and resentful.

Here’s the kicker: most people don’t do it. Why? Because we’re wired to be accepted by our tribe. It’s instinctual. We get afraid that if we break from tradition, norms, or other people’s expectations, we’ll lose support and connection. So we stay in jobs that don’t excite us, relationships that drain us, or routines that feel suffocating—just to avoid rocking the boat.

But I’m here to remind you that living for yourself does more than just keep your boat afloat—it transforms it into a rocket ship pointed toward genuine fulfillment. That is why it matters.

1. You Constantly Seek Validation

If you’re checking your phone every five minutes, waiting for someone to give you a thumbs-up or a like, that could be a sign you’re living for others.

2. You Say “Yes” When You Want to Say “No”

We’ve all been there: committing to another volunteer project or social event you don’t have the time or energy for, just to keep the peace. If that’s a recurring theme, it’s time for a wake-up call.

3. You Feel Guilty Putting Yourself First

If the thought of focusing on your own well-being sends waves of guilt or shame through your body, you might be caught in the people-pleasing trap.

4. You Don’t Know What You Really Want

If decisions—from what career path to follow, to what you do on the weekend—are always guided by someone else’s preferences, you may have lost sight of your true desires.

Recognize any of these? If so, don’t worry. Awareness is where transformation begins. When you notice you’re living for others, you can take steps to correct course and start living for yourself and embrace authenticity.

• Myth #1: Putting Yourself First Is Selfish
  Here’s the truth: prioritizing your needs isn’t selfish; it’s essential. When you take care of you, you have more energy and compassion to give to the people you love.

• Myth #2: Everyone Will Judge You for It
  In reality, most people are too busy worrying about their own lives to police yours. And those who do judge? That’s more about their insecurities than your actions.

• Myth #3: It Means You Can’t Be There for Others
  Living for yourself doesn’t mean you shut out loved ones. It means you show up for them from a place of strength and authenticity, instead of exhaustion and obligation.

• Myth #4: It’s Just About Material Desires
  Taking control of your life isn’t just about chasing comfort or luxury. It’s about aligning your daily decisions with your values, passions, and well-being—whatever that means for you.

Once you bust these myths, you’ll see how critical it is to truly live for yourself. To do that, you must take control of your life, define your priorities, and make choices that align with your core values.

Let’s get right into the meat of it. I’m a huge fan of step-by-step processes because they strip away excuses and confusion. Below is a numbered guide—seven practical steps you can start using right now.

“An apology should be reserved for mistakes, not for being who you are.”

Why This Matters

Do you find yourself saying, “Sorry, but I just need some time alone” or “I’m sorry, but I prefer to do things differently”? Knock it off. Apologizing for having preferences or needs sends a message (to yourself and others) that you don’t believe you deserve them.

Practical Actions

• Track Your “Sorrys”: For one full day, note every time you say “I’m sorry.” Was it truly necessary?
• Replace Sorry with Gratitude: Instead of “Sorry for being late,” say “Thank you for waiting.” This small tweak changes your mindset from guilt to appreciation.
• Practice in Low-Stakes Scenarios: Try speaking your truth—like requesting the seat you want at a restaurant—without layering it in apologies or disclaimers.

Real-Life Example

A colleague of mine used to apologize constantly, even for things that weren’t his fault. He learned to replace those apologies with confidence and gratitude, and it drastically improved how he felt about himself and how his team viewed his leadership. Clients started responding better to his direct style—no more disclaimers, just polite firmness.

“A single brick laid each day eventually builds a house.”

Why This Matters

You can have all the clarity, boundaries, and healthy mindsets in the world—but without consistent action, you won’t see real change. Remember: big transformations usually happen through small, incremental efforts.

Practical Actions

• Make a Micro-Goal: Want to get fit? Start with 10-minute walks daily. Want a new career? Dedicate 15 minutes each night to building your portfolio or researching programs.
• Use the Two-Minute Rule: If something takes less than two minutes (e.g., sending that email, picking up that book), do it immediately. Stop procrastinating on easy tasks.
• Track Your Wins: Write down one accomplishment every day, no matter how small. This keeps your momentum going.

Real-Life Example

I once had a dream of writing a book, but I was paralyzed by the enormity of it. So I committed to writing just 200 words a day—rain or shine. That’s about one page. Over several months, it added up to a full draft manuscript, a funny book for cancer patients. Each day felt tiny in the moment, but consistent micro-actions created a major result.

Let’s be real: the fear of judgment and the habit of people-pleasing are massive roadblocks to living for yourself. They’re like giant neon signs that flash, “Don’t upset anyone!”

Human brains crave belonging. We’re programmed to fit in; it’s part of our survival instincts. But in modern life, this can become harmful when we tie our self-worth to others’ opinions. If you find yourself constantly second-guessing decisions because “What will people say?” do these three things:

• Get Curious: Ask yourself, “Why do I need their approval? What’s the worst that happens if I don’t get it?”
• Flip the Perspective: Often, we imagine others will judge us more harshly than they actually do. Recognize that people are usually more focused on their own stuff.
• Adopt a Growth Mindset: Realize that “failing” in someone else’s eyes isn’t the end of the world. Mistakes are learning opportunities, not life sentences.

As Mel Robbins famously said before, “If you have an impulse to act on a goal, you must physically move within five seconds, or your brain will kill the idea.” This is the 5-Second Rule in action, and it’s a powerhouse against fear:

1. Notice the Fear: You want to ask for a raise but feel paralyzed by what your boss might think.
2. Count Backwards: 5-4-3-2-1
   This short countdown interrupts your anxiety loop and shifts your focus to action.
3. Move Immediately: Speak up, send that email, walk into that office—do something that physically moves you toward the goal.

Why does this work? Because your brain’s primary job is to protect you. By hesitating more than five seconds, your mind starts generating reasons not to act: “What if they say no? What if I look silly?” Counting down and moving breaks that thought spiral.

You’ve battled guilt, set boundaries, and tackled fear. Now comes the exciting part: designing a life that aligns with your purpose, passions, and well-being. To truly live for yourself, you must take control of your life. Here’s how you keep that momentum rolling.

1. Revisit Your “Why”

Print it, frame it, or write it on a sticky note that you see every day. Remind yourself regularly why living for yourself is so important.

2. Get Accountability

Check in weekly with a friend, coach, or online community. Consistency skyrockets when someone’s expecting you to show up.

3. Give Yourself Grace
Slumps happen. Life gets messy. Forgive yourself when you slip into old habits and then refocus on your “why.” Use mistakes as data, not drama.

Here’s the bottom line: Living for yourself isn’t a one-time decision; it’s a practice. Every day, you’ll make choices—big and small—that either align with your needs and values or bend to someone else’s script. The more you choose yourself, the stronger, more confident, and more authentic you become.

Start today with one small step. Pick one boundary to set, one dream to clarify, or one “no” to speak aloud. Remember, to truly live for yourself, you must take control of your life. But the payoff? A life that feels like it’s actually yours. It’s not always easy, but I can promise you: it’s worth it.

So go on, take that step. You are worthy, you have the power, and the world needs you—the real you.