Living with Chronic Pain: My Journey with Sciatica
In this essay writer Torrey Kurtzner delivers a raw, introspective, and darkly humorous account of his battle with chronic pain. Through two brutal encounters with sciatica, he explores the harsh realities of navigating life with a disabling condition, the mental and physical toll of persistent pain, and the struggle for adequate medical care in a system that often fails those without privilege. Yet, beyond the suffering, Torrey uncovers an unexpected lesson: embracing uncertainty as a catalyst for growth and adaptation.
His story resonates deeply within disability and chronic illness advocacy , shedding light on the lived experiences of those who are often overlooked. By sharing his journey with unflinching honesty, he challenges the stigma surrounding invisible disabilities and chronic pain, making a compelling case for greater understanding, accessibility, and support within the wider conversation on disability justice and DEI (Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion).
Table of contents
Broken at Thirty: Embracing the Uncertainty of My Chronic Pain
Childhood Naivety About Chronic Pain
It’s the early aughts. I’m no older than eight, stuck at a Hannaford grocery outlet. While my father was elsewhere gathering items for weekly survival, I found myself browsing the magazine aisle, skimming Sonic the Hedgehog comics while attempting to sneak peeks at the softcore pornography on display. It’s no wonder I blossomed into the mustachioed dirtbag I am today.
As I perused various publications, I would also observe shoppers who passed me by. Occasionally, my eyes would linger on those who struck me as odd. These people were younger than my father but in worse shape—walking hunched over, shuffling across the grimy floors in misery. The harsh LED lights above underlined their struggle.
I didn’t have answers, but I wasn't too concerned. Then and there, I convinced myself I'd never succumb to such significant chronic pain.
Boy, I was naive.
Coping with Sciatica: A Painful Reality
Smash cut to the present day. Now thirty, I lay sprawled on my bedroom floor, clenching my lower back in distress. For the second time this year, I’m battling sciatica pain , and unlike the previous tango, I’m losing this match in a big way. Cushioned surfaces have become my number one enemy. Lower surfaces, like toilets, are impossible to use without emitting tears. Standing perfectly still feels okay, but bending my body in any capacity is torture.
The activities that once brought me joy are impossible to execute. Exercise? Please. When I walk, I look like I’m doing an impression of my grandfather in hospice care. Writing? Unlikely, as sitting for more than five seconds feels impossible. Masturbation? Doable, but at what cost?
Bottom line: I can’t sit, stand, or move without experiencing violent pain. This suffering is all I know for the next three months.
The Cause of My Chronic Pain
The origin of my chronic pain isn’t hard to pinpoint. Despite enforcing daily exercise habits , I neglected stretching, which resulted in my muscles becoming tight balls of fragile, useless tissue. My hamstrings were especially problematic.
On top of tightness, I was the victim of a silly sledding accident in December 2022. A word of advice: don’t steer a sled into a makeshift ramp and catch serious air if there’s only one to two inches of snow on the ground. The result? My tailbone collided with the frozen earth multiple times, and in a matter of days, the right side of my lower body began to retaliate.
Living with Sciatica: Diagnosis & Treatment
A man with shitty health insurance is a dangerous hazard. Armed with an internet connection, I slipped into the role of armchair doctor and diagnosed my symptoms. To my horror, it appeared I was suffering from sciatica pain. Sciatica usually occurs when a herniated disk or bone spur in the spine pushes on the sciatic nerve , which travels down one or both legs from the lower back.
At its worst, the pain would slither down my right leg and across my lower back, sending me into a crippling state of uselessness. My sciatic flare-up had teamed up with my piss-poor flexibility—a lethal combination.
After enduring several weeks of unbearable pain and bed rest, I decided it was finally time to see a doctor. Under their supervision, we developed a stretching routine to alleviate my sciatic nerve pain . After several weeks, I noticed progress! I continued stretching daily, assuming I had overcome my chronic pain .
Sciatica Pain Relief: A Temporary Victory
The spring and summer months of 2023 were pure bliss. I was pain-free, juggling landscaping and writing projects with ease. For the first time, I could touch my toes with zero resistance. Things were looking up!
Then came the fall season, and everything went to shit.
A feeling of agitation developed in my lower back towards the end of September. Simple tasks like bending over to pick up a box of Raisin Bran felt risky—like my muscles were coming apart at the seams. I continued to stretch, hoping my issue was just tightness from fatigue.
One day, while squatting down to pick up a lightweight object, I felt a shockwave permeate the right side of my lower body. The sciatica was back with a vengeance.
Physical Therapy for Chronic Pain
By October, I was back to square one. This time, my sciatica pain felt much more severe. Despite my diligence, stretching alone wasn’t working. Frustrated, I pushed onward.
After mustering up the strength to send my doctor an email, I was prescribed baclofen, a well-known muscle relaxer. Despite high hopes, it only provided slight relief. Desperate, I turned to prednisone, a steroid used to treat inflammation.
The drug worked, but I knew it wasn’t a permanent solution. At my doctor’s recommendation, I signed up for a physical therapy program for chronic pain.
At physical therapy, I wouldn’t shut up about getting an MRI . My fellow therapy mentors pointed out that my insurance would barely cover the cost. Sensing my disappointment, they reiterated that I was on the right path to recovery .
“Just stick to your stretching routine and incorporate hip, core, and stability exercises. If you do those things, you should be okay.”
Embracing Uncertainty While Living with Chronic Pain
Uncertainty had never been a factor I welcomed with open arms. Chronic pain forced me to reconsider how I would live the rest of my days.
During my three-month struggle with sciatica pain , I met several people suffering from similar conditions. These allies provided reassurance, reminding me that my life wasn’t over.
Adjustments were necessary. Activities I once enjoyed were no longer accessible. Embracing change wasn’t a suggestion—it was a requirement.
But how do you do it? How do you embrace change when faced with chronic pain and uncertainty?
Simply put, you don’t have a choice. If we wish to grow, we must move forward.
The path to rebirth isn’t easy. Some will question our ability to function. Others will compare us to non-chronically ill colleagues. But for every apathetic critic, we’ll find those who see our journey as inspirational.
And if we can inspire others to cope with chronic pain , perhaps they can also embrace uncertainty and evolve.
Finding Strength in Community
So, where does this leave me today? I’m in the process of embracing change. My exercise routine is serving me well. I’ve shifted to work that doesn’t require back-breaking labor. Most importantly, I’m writing again for the first time in months!
The point is—I’m trying, dammit!
For the first time in years, I’m optimistic about my future. If chronic pain was the secret ingredient to embracing change, maybe I would’ve screwed up my back a long time ago.
But I wouldn’t recommend it.
Godspeed, friends. We’ve got this.
