Friends with Benefits Anxiety Poem – Jae Nichelle's s ode to anxiety
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Jae Nichelle’s brilliant poem about Friends with Benefits!
Friends With Benefits - Anxiety Poem
Jae Nichelle
Jae Nichelle’s Friends With Benefits anxiety poem is re-published from jaenichelle.com with the kind permission of Jae. Read the original Jae Nichelle anxiety poem text and watch the video of Jae Nichelle’s live performance below. And please consider buying Jae's book, God Themselves, on Amazon or your favorite online book seller.
My anxiety and I have what some would call a friends with benefits relationship.
We have no love for each other but she still just
fucks with me sometimes you know?
She and I moved in together some years ago.
We have inside jokes.
Like when I say “I’m gonna go talk to that person over there”
my anxiety looks at me and is like “bitch, please”
My anxiety is the reason I didn’t talk to you.
She’s possessive.
She doesn’t like me talking to other people.
She’s irrational.
Because of her
I’ll take the long way to my building to avoid someone I’ve passed already
Because I don’t know the limit on how many times you can say “hey–”
Because of her
I don’t correct servers who get my order wrong at restaurants I just eat it
because maybe sweet potato fries are what I wanted
But the broccoli you gave me is what I needed? Thank you.
Because of her
I’ll take the long the way to my building to avoid someone
who kind of looked like my ex-boyfriend.
Because when I hand her the aux cord,
She makes sure to play back all the times
He told me no one else would ever want me
Because of her
I still think no one else will ever want me
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I constantly wonder
What happens to a black girl who is too anxious
To ever feel like magic?
Can she still be fly
with wings that tremble?
Can she forget the lifestyle of an ant?
The fear that no matter what she does she is in danger of being crushed
What I’m trying to say is
My anxiety doesn’t like to be made into metaphors
but she is constantly reminding me of how easy I am to crush.
As I speak,
I am pushing against her weight on my shoulders
and that is why I shake sometimes.
I have to fight
To stand up straight
To stop rocking
She and I picked out this outfit together. Something that dries fast.
If I am sweating
It is because standing on this stage
Is like fighting a boxing match that you can’t even see
and I am determined to knock her out.
I’ve been fighting her for control of our house, for years.
fighting to not crack
Stop rocking.
Dont shake.
Breathe.
I think
the reason that my relationships don’t work out
is because no one knows they’re signing up for a threesome
I understand.
I know how hard it is to live with both of us.
When we don’t like feeling out of control.
we don’t handle conflict well
we don’t handle being yelled at well
everything you say to us will be repeated and deconstructed in our head a million times after
and if I am silent for a while,
it is because I have to fight with her before I can fight with you.
I have tried to cut her off before.
I cannot.
We do not handle separation well.
Because of our parents,
I mean our ex
I mean our friends
Breathe.
So I guess
My anxiety and I just learned to live together.
She is the longest relationship I have ever had.
She is the only relationship I can count on.
Friends With Benefits Anxiety Poem by Jae Nichelle
"Personifying anxiety is the best way to help other people understand. Because then, anxiety isn't just a nebulous feeling those of us who don't experience it can't grasp, but a controlling and toxic partner who we can imagine standing in the room."
Jae Nichelle’s Friends With Benefits anxiety poem is re-published from jaenichelle.com with the kind permission of Jae.
Jae Nichelle
Jae Nichelle, author of "Friends with Benefits," anxiety poem is a poet and spoken word artist currently residing in Atlanta.
Caption:
What happens to a black girl who is too anxious To ever feel like magic? can she still be fly with wings that tremble? Can she forget the lifestyle of an ant? The fear that no matter what she does she is in danger of being crushed | Photo ©Mike Orlov / Adobe Stock
