Why Is My Cat an Asshole? A Guide to Surviving (and Loving) Your Tiny Tyrant

People always say, “Get a cat! They’re low-maintenance, independent, and provide great emotional support!” To those people, I say: LIARS.

Sure, my cat looks like a majestic loaf when he’s curled up in the sun, but the moment I turn my back? He’s swatting my glass of water off the table, launching a 5 AM parkour routine across my bed, or yowling at the door only to refuse to go outside. If this is what emotional support looks like, I want a refund.

To make matters even more interesting, I live with fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, and ADHD —so naturally, my body is a disaster, and my cat has decided to match that energy.

So let’s talk about it. Why is my cat such an asshole? What science excuses his villainy? And most importantly, how do I live with this furry agent of chaos without losing my mind? Welcome to the ultimate guide on loving a cat who regularly disrespects you. 

If you’ve ever wondered if your cat is an actual sociopath, you’re not alone. Scientists have studied cat behavior, and the results are deeply validating.

🐾 Cats are tiny, egotistical predators. They’re biologically programmed to test their environment —which is why knocking things off counters brings them joy. Gravity? Still works. You? Still suffering.

🐾 They view you as an incompetent, oversized cat. You are neither fast nor stealthy, and your hunting skills are pathetic. They tolerate you, but don’t expect admiration.

🐾 They know exactly what they’re doing. Unlike dogs, who accidentally wag their tails into disasters, cats make calculated moves to assert dominance. That smug tail flick before your favorite coffee mug shatters? Premeditated.

🐾 They purr to manipulate you. Studies show that cats have fine-tuned their purrs to mimic the frequency of a human baby’s cry , so you feel obligated to respond and serve. That purr isn’t love—it’s mind control. 

😵 Fibromyalgia: Nothing says ow like a cat launching off your ribcage at full speed.

😴 Chronic Fatigue Syndrome: I am exhausted. My cat? Peak energy at 3 AM.

🧠 ADHD: I forget what I’m doing all the time. So does my cat. Perfect match.

But here’s the thing—despite their chaotic energy, cats are actually great for mental and physical health. Studies show they reduce stress, lower blood pressure, and provide companionship that doesn’t require human-level energy. 

You can’t fully cure your cat’s villainy, but you can redirect it.

✅ Respect the 3-3-3 Rule: New cats need three days to decompress, three weeks to settle, and three months to fully adjust. After that, they’ll just ruin your life with confidence.

✅ Give them ‘approved’ destruction zones: Scratching posts, cat trees, and puzzle toys will save your furniture. Probably.

✅ Master the art of food bribery: Treats = compliance. This is the only negotiation tactic they respect.

✅ If they flick their tail, run. That’s the cat equivalent of a "Do not test me" warning.

✅ Cat-proof your chronic illness life: Get sealed water bottles, weighted lap blankets, and cat-proof nightstands before you wake up covered in destruction.

At the end of the day, my cat isn’t just a pet—he’s a judgmental, passive-aggressive life coach who teaches resilience through suffering.

Sure, he ignores me until he wants food, knocks things over for sport, and screams at walls for no reason , but he also curls up next to me when I’m feeling awful and purrs just enough to trick me into forgiving him.

So, if you’re dealing with a cat who thrives on causing mild inconvenience, just remember: They’re probably doing it on purpose. And somehow, that’s the most endearing thing about them.

🐾 Now go give your tiny menace a treat—they’ve earned it.